Funny Quotes

Post the funny quotes here that happen in your day to day life! I'll start!

Me: I AM PENIS! I HAVE CHOCOLATE!

Me: Nef? Will you hold Edward for me? (Edward is the name of my cell phone. XD)
Me: I'M A PIRATE LOOKING FOR WALDO!!! -runs away-

Me: See? I was right. Mormons do live in Utah.
Em: We were talking about the state of Vermont! How did you get Mormons out of that?

Me: The only people the muffins fear is Queen Latifah.
Em: They also worship Zac Efron for his awesome hair.

Lari: You're the only one who can make me feel like a man, Emi.
Me: You're welcome.

Lari: Saying that I'm a bad influence is like saying that Jasper shoots kittens.

Lari: [talking about the college notices she has been receiving ] And one of them said, 'Sarah, I want you'.
Me: That's what she said.
Lari: I know.
Me: Wait. Who's your lesbian stalker?
Lari: Umm.... Jasper?

Me: So, what would you call it if it's not mangrabbing?
Lari: Mangrabbing!

Lari: Yes. Because my mom is totally Jesus
----
<em>ShadowPendant</em>- Huzza!

Lari: I ran into his mom!
Em: Oh no!
Lari: Dude, I can't sleep in his bed!

Lari: I'm gonna kill him!
New Kid -shrinking away from Lari-: Should I be afraid for my life?

Alex: oh noes! some bastard put logos on it. I will hunt them down and rape their soul.
Lari: -dies- laughing-

And Alex is the reason if I disappear suddenly:
Lari: i think my charli died. O_o
Alex: huh? who?
Lari: chaaaarli, my bus buddy. she died.
Alex: oh noes!
Lari: uh-huh, who's gonna punt chihuahuas with me? T.T
Alex: you're gonna have to wing it man
Lari: but...but...i can't go on without charli! XD
Alex: then KILL URSELF
Lari: FINE I WILL x)

Lari: If we miss our airplane, we will take the next.
What I heard: If we miss our plane, I'll do a banana.

V: I'm giving you a boner, aren't I?
*pause*
Me: Wait, you are?

Lari: I am Nancy Drew, bitch, and don't you forget it!

?: Why is my crotch so warm?
-----
<em>AzurEmerald</em>- It wasn't true...

Me: I can be tactful.
Charli: -dies of laughter-

In a text:
Me: I'm bored, wanna talk?
Guy Friend: I just got my pants on.
...5 Minutes Later In Which I Failed To Respond...
Guy Friend: That meant yes.

Drill team commander: Dude this thing is huge (referring to a trophy)

Color Guard Commander/Rest of bus: And that is what she said

Lari: I'll call the CIA! Or the FBI! Obama will help me!
Me: Obama will hurt you?
Lari: Yes, Obama will hurt you!
Me: That's how he got elected. He threatened everyone with paper cuts!

Me *in falsetto* : Don't ya be insulting ma bling, foo!

Me: This is one of my weirdest relationships. Even including the one with the lesbian.
Lari: I'm weirder than a lesbian?

Lari: I got dead.
Me: How did you get dead?
Lari: I died.
Me: ...Oh, wow. How did I not see that coming.

Me: I know this is going to sound really weird, but I now have the Latin phrase for pulling out stuck in my head.

Lari: The pope is asleep!
Me: Oh,no! We must wake him up, for the sake of the world!
Lari: But he's horrible when he's woken up!
Me: How?
Lari: He's a womanizer!

Lari: I've got Untouched stuck in my head
Me: I just tried Rick Rolling you. How'd you get Untouched out of that!?

Lari: I AM THE MUFFIN LLAMA!

Lari: But Mum, half my friends are at rehearsal.
Mum: Oh, really? Then what is the other one doing?

Friend -after seeing my new haircut-: Holy crap, vampires are invading the school!
Lari: ...um, it's only me.

Meh: I am the female asian pope! I EAT BEHBEHS!

Alice: Look at this! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmz-3qcuxdw&feature=channel_page Go to the Emmett song, Rose.
Rosalie: Oh...dear...God... -dies laughing- BLOOD! GUMMY BEARS! SHOES!
Alice: ... -lapses into a fit of giggles-

Alice: Since we're both bored, let's provoke the Volturi.
Eddiekins (yes, I call Nick Eddiekins, XD): Tight, I'll walk out into the sunlight.
Alice: I'll kill some people in the open.
Edward: Awesome, then we eat Bella, right?
Alice: But...I...thought...you...loved....her? So can we torch Jasper?
Edward: Sounds like fun.
Alice: Yeah, just DON'T TELL CARLISLE! XD
Edward: But what if he finds out?
Alice: How would he?
Edward:I dunno, what if Emmett tells on us? Oh well, we can always say the Volturi made us do it.
Alice: Haha, they'll totally believe us.

Me: Was I about to say 'cunt shell' instead of 'conch shell'?
Charli: Yeah, you were.
Me: Oh, well, what's the difference? Hermit crabs go into both of them.....

Lari: Because your inner gay guy is calling out for attention.

Lari: I want to have your laptop's babies.
Me: But it's a female!
Lari: What? How does that work?
----
<em>AzurEmerald</em>- Tell me how your school was worse

Lari -to Curly's fortune teller-: Am I going to get cervical cancer?
Fortune Teller: Of course.
Lari: Will I die of it?
Fortune Teller: Yes.
-Lari has a spaz attack-: OMG I'M GOING TO DIEEEEEEE! CHARLIIIIIIIIIIII! xD

Stupid fortune teller made by a horrid child... >.<

Keyboarding:
Paige: They're coming!
Me: Which "coming"? -smirks-
-All my friends glance at the teacher, who's five feet away-

Alex: Jasper Hale is the Lindbergh kid.
Me: ... -dies laughing-

"Our high and mighty General Lugo says "victory or death!" What gives him the idea we're making a choice?"

- Major Rawne

In French Class For A Speaking Test...
Nogatron: So, how long will you be staying?
Me: Two nights.
Nogatron: Why two?
Me: Because...I LIKE THE NUMBER TWO!!! XD
...
Nogatron: Why are you visiting our city?
Me: Because the little people told me to.

In Chemistry...
Me: Don't make me stab you in the uterus!
Guy Friend: But...I don't have one.
Me: Really? All girls should have one. I'd see a doctor about that.
Guy Friend: ...
(Haha, I love said guy friend, but I just had to, it was too easy... XD)

Me: *in a high voice* Then shouldn't your voice me more like this?
Lari: I can't go that high.
Me: Man, you're menopausal already!?

Alex: Dude, my German teacher yelled at me today.
Me: OH MY GAWD, WHY?
Alex: Silly, I don't have a German teacher. I don't take German.
Me:...
Alex: Yep, April Fool's jokes are always funnier when done two weeks AFTER April Fool's Day.
Me: I kind of hate you for being so smart.

Stevi: #<(^_^)v I HAVE A WAFFLE!
Me: Bitch, no you don't! -steals waffle-
Stevi: T.T awwww...
Me: He shall be named Mr. Taco, and HE WILL BE MY BITCH FOR LIFE!
Stevi: O.O At least I have more waffles...
Me: SHUT UP ABOUT THE WAFFLES! xD

https://i.servimg.com/u/f86/13/86/34/74/edit_n10.png <----That whole page is a funny quote. I LOVE YOU, EMI!

Anon: "I don't think I will need a girl in my life."
Tom: "Why not?"
Anon: "You never need something you can't get."

Curly: I love bubble wrap.
Lari: You're full of crap.
That's not very nice.
Jasper Hale has hands like ice.
I don't care about Jasper Hale.
But he is my favorite male.
That's too bad because he sucks.
...BLOOD FROM DUCKS!
You messed up the rhythm, man.
Your face is so ugly, it belongs in a can.
Well, you're a meanie without a boy toy.
Your mom eats Soy Joy.
And likes it.
That's shit.
Let's not swear in front of the kids.
If your mom was in an auction, she'd get no bids.
If you're dumb, then I'm normal.
I like crashing formals.
Why? Nothing fun happens there.
Except I steal your underwear.
Wow, is that where it went?
Yeah, but now it's lent.
You lent other people my underwear?
It helped pay for Dr. Phil's hair.
Hey, girl, that's not cool.
You always act a fool.
I wish I had some chocolate and candy.
I have a whore named Mandy.
I like going to Utah and Montana.
I'm gonna kill Hannah.
That's not cool, she's my friend.
I like to lend.
Yeah, my undergarments.
Are being eaten by varmints.
Thanks, now I have none.
I don't wanna be a nun.
Um, technically, that's the same word.
Hey look, I just gave you the bird.
Well then, I'm going to give it back.
Then I'll give you a hearty smack.
Nick is a dork, don't you think?
I like to wear the color pink.
No you don't, you hate it a lot.
Does this dress make me look faht?
Nice use of poetic license.
I hate the sound of silence.
Nice rhyme, bad face.
I'm gonna strangle you with lace.
How ironic, don't you think?
I'm gonna shower in a sink.
Like in public, 'cause that's gross.
That's the least of your woes.
What's the most? The state of your relationships?
I like the crunch of Sun Chips.
I really don't; they're kind of icky.
Well, your face makes me really sicky.
They show your face to poison victims to make them puke.
I have a toe named Luke.
That makes ME want to puke.
I think you should hug Luke.
Oops, I just puked.
Here, have some nachos that I nuked.
I hate nachos, they make me puke.
Want to make out with Luke?
Great, I think I'll VOMIT.
And with a stick Nick will poke it.
Good, I'm glad we're out of the puke rut.
I want to kick Nick in the gut.
That drawing is really ugly.
I think Nick is just as fugly.
Ouch, poor Nick. That burns.
His advances you should spurn.
Oh, I do. I always do.
Ghosts do not really say boo.
Then what do they say?
They want to partay.
But what do they utter?
They like to eat cow udders.
THAT is really disturbing.
A rat lives in my turban.
What's his name?
It's really lame..
But what do you call him?
...Shaniqua the Ballin'.
Any reason that particular name?
Because I like names that are really lame.
Well, no other name will be the same.
I think I just lost the Game.
Aw, man, screw you, I lost it too.
DOO DOO DOO DOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I'm glad you're my friend.
And that's...THE END!!

~Epic poem Curly and I wrote during French class

Curly: Dude, it's Cleveland, it cleaves the land. Duh.
Me:...It's like the land's cleavage? xD
Curly: -facepalms-

Fel: I'm doing math hw. D:
Me: Run away, girlie. Just run. :O Math is not your friend.
Fel: I tried, but those bitches tripped me with lines and numbers.

Erin: The German transfer student looks lonely. I'm gonna go talk to her!
Gnicki: I'm coming with you!
(a couple minutes later, they come back)
Erin: OMG! (sits in chair, scooting it across the floor) SHE'S NOT GERMAN!

My little brother Jim: Hey, Lari, what's "court" in English?
Lari: Short.
Mom: You know what's short?
Jim: What?
Mom: Lari!! XD