Humans Are Friends by Charli and Lari
Lari and Charli were road tripping when…
“LET’S GO TO FORKS!” Lari screamed happily.
Charli’s ears were bleeding, but she squealed in fangirlish agreement and spun the car around.
“Why are we going to Forks? Good question! We’re going to Forks…to stalk Jasper Hale!” Lari grinned mischievously.
“And Jacob Black! He’s warm and fuzzy…”
“But mostly Jasper! I love him!”
“Did you notice his twitching in the movie?” Charli mimicked Jasper’s twitching perfectly.
“Yeah…” Lari was quiet for a moment, thinking.
Charli began singing “DotA” which messed Lari up quite a bit.
“Ah! Bad Charli!” Lari screeched as she smacked Charli. “Wait…idea here…Jasper still has issues with being near humans, right?”
“Yeah, he twitches,” Charli said, twitching again.
“Let’s classically condition him to not want human blood!”
Charli ^_^’ed (yes, ^_^ is a verb), “Jacob can help, too!”
They plotted their evil plot all the way to the Olympic Peninsula, and after a brief detour to kidnap the werewolf, they were at the Cullens where Alice was lying in wait.
“ATTACK!” Lari screamed as she went at Alice…with a squirt bottle.
“Human blood! Human blood! Human blood!” Charli yelled every time Lari squirted Alice in the face. Then, “Wait a minute. Alice isn’t the one having the problems, yeah?”
Alice was not pleased.
“No, but…I want Jasper-“ she squirted Alice in the face,” for myself. JASPER JASPER JASPER!” she squirted Alice three more times.
Charli ignored them and cuddled up to Jacob, who buried his face in her hair to escape the smell of vampires. “I’m so evil,” Charli smiled contentedly.
“Where is Jasper?” Lari asked as she squirted Alice once more.
“Like I’d tell you, bee-yotch,” Alice glared, but she was really too adorable to be taken seriously.
“Then..” Lari thought over several options to confuse Alice. Then she dove through the window. “I’M GOING IN!” she yelled as she crashed into the living room. Miraculously, Lari didn’t get a scratch on her. Alice dove after her.
“HE’S MINE!”
“NO, MINE!” Lari used the squirt bottle on Alice again.
At that moment, Jasper walked up the drive. “Who’s fighting alice…?” He asked Charli and Jacob.
“Human blood!” Charli laughed maniacally, squirting him in the face.
At this, Lari’s face lit up and she dove right out the window and tackle hugged Jasper, who was trying really hard not to suck her blood and so he twitched. Lari noticed.
“Bad Jasper!” she squirted him in the face.
“Bad Alice!” Charli squirted Alice who was in hot pursuit of Lari.
Jacob simply plugged his nose. Vampire scent burns werewolf noses.
“Wait…Jasper!” Lari screamed as she squirted Alice in the face yet again.
“I’ll be…leaving now…” Jasper said, slowly backing away, then he turned and ran.
“Get him!” Charli commanded Jacob who was glad to finally have something to do.
“Jasper-“ Lari squirted Alice, “-go bye-bye?” she whimpered, then began to yell “Jasper” repeatedly as she sprayed Alice. Suddenly, she stopped. “I think we’re gonna need more water…” she smiled maliciously as she got out another squirt bottle, now doubly armed.
“Where are we getting these bottles?” Charli asked. “And why hasn’t Jacob come back with Jasper-“ squirt “-yet?”
“Um, magic? And let’s go after them!” Lari suggested.
“Yay!” Charli ^_^’ed, pulling Emmett out of nowhere and jumping on his back. “We ride…to battle!”
“Um…” Lari looked around, then decided to jump on Alice’s back. “MUSH!” she yelled.
Emmett guffawed like the comic relief character he is and took off after Jasper- squirt- while Charli readied the scope on her squirt bottle.
Lari nudged Alice, who was standing perfectly still. “I said, MUSH!” she growled.
Alice glared at Lari…and then she bucked the poor human off.
MEANWHILE…!
Jacob sat on Jasper –squirt- wagging his tail when Charli and Emmett caught up to them. “Human blood!” Charli cackled repeatedly, squirting Jasper –squirt- in the face each time Emmett ran her around in circles around them.
Lari lay on the ground, deciding not to get up for dramatic effect. That and the force with which Alice used to buck her off knocked her inconscious. So Lari went sleepy sleep.
All of a sudden, Alice came barreling out of nowhere, knocking Jacob off her lover and into Charli and Emmett. “He’s mine!” Alice snarled.
“I know,” Charli shrugged, disentangling herself from the surprised werewolf and vampire. Still talking to Alice, she resumed her business with Jasper- squirt.
“I didn’t come to steal him. Human blood.” Squirt. “That was all Lari. Human Blood. “ Squirt.
Meanwhile, Rosalie Hale had come across Lari, and began to poke the knocked-out girl with a stick.
“Haha, humans,” the blonde vampire snickered.
Lari’s eyes fluttered open. “Quit poking me!” she growled at Rosalie. “Humans have feelings, too!” she picked herself up and walked to where Charli was.
“Jasper!” she hugged him as Charli squirted Alice in the face.
“And human blood,” Charli added, turning the squirt bottle back to Jasper- squirt.
Lari joined in the Jasper squirting happily. Alice got increasingly madder.
Rosalie and Emmett ignored the others and proceeded to be all lovey-dovey with each other. Jacob sat down to watch the show, and Charli settled into his warm fur while she held Alice at bay with her squirt bottle.
“HUMAN BLOOD!” Lari screamed repeatedly as she squirted Jasper.
Charli procured popcorn from thin air, because everyone knows you need popcorn to watch someone’s public humiliation.
Lari began to dance as she sang, “Human blood!” while spraying Jasper with the squirt bottle, immensely enjoying herself.
“BITCH!” Alice screamed, tackling Lari and wrenching the squirt bottles from her to quirt her in the face. “SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT! JASPER! JASPER! JASPER!”
Jasper was at a complete loss as to how to deal with this new development. So was Lari, so she decided to kidnap Jasper. Yet she couldn’t do this as a human, so…she got Jacob to kidnap him for her.
Charli hit the ground at the sudden disappearance of her back-rest. “Hey!” she cried indignantly, then ripped Emmett away from his yuck-fest with Rosalie to use him as a trusted steed again. ”Jacob!” she roared, chasing after him.
Lari had tied a rope around Jacob’s waist, and she was being pulled along as he ran with Jasper.
“WHEEEEEEEEEE!” she cried.
“YOU BITCH!” a new voice joined the chorus. It was Mo, Lari’s older sister, and she was chasing after Charli. “JACOB IS MINE!”
“I know, but I want Jasper,” Lari explained as she was dragged along.
Jasper buried his face in his hands. “Why me?” he moaned quietly.
“Because I love you!” Lari answered happily. Then she produced yet another squirt bottle and began aiming it at her pursuers, which now included Alice and Rosalie, hell-bent on getting their hubbies back.
“DON’T GIVE UP THE SHIP!” Charli cackled, all shreds of reason leaving as she twisted around to snipe at Mo and Rosalie.
“He’s mine, bitches!” Lari yelled as she shot at Alice malevolently.
“I’ve not yet begun to fight!” Charli continued.
“Stop being such a ROTC nerd!” Mo screamed at her.
“SPARTAAAAAAAAAA!” Lari shouted.
At this, Charli delved into the rest of her literary knowledge. “EULALIAAAAAAAAAAA!”
“FOR LOVE!” Lari screamed.
“FOR SCIENCE!”
“FOR COFFEE FUELED NIGHTS WITH JASPER!”
“…You did not just go there…”
“Oh, yes I did!” Lari laughed.
“I’LL KILL YOU ALL!” Mo screamed somewhere behind them.
Lari did not respond, as she was telling Jacob where to go with Jasper. Then she resumed her screaming and shooting Alice.
Suddenly, Charli God-modded herself to ontop of Jacob. “I’m bored,” she said to him, cutting the string that Lari hung by. “Let’s go to the beach.”
At this seemingly innocent suggestion, he dropped Jasper and and raced off with Charli to the reservation.
Lari went up to Jasper and handcuffed herself to him. Then she decided to run off to Canadia. Jumping on Jasper’s back (quite a feat, considering), she aimed a squirt bottle at his temple. Terrified, he began to run.
“Fine!” Mo screamed after Charli and Jacob. “BUT I CALL DIBS ON NATHAN!”
“WHAT NOW?” Lari screamed at everyone in general.
And so Rosalie had Emmett, Mo had Nathan, Charli had run away with Jacob to La Push, and Lari and run away with Jasper to Canadia. And they all lived happily ever after. Well, except for Alice.
“MOOHAHA BITCH! I WIN!” screamed the Lari narrator.
“Wait…wasn’t this supposed to be about classical conditioning?” questioned the Charli Narrator.
The Lari Narrator then pulled Jasper out of thin air, “HUMAN BLOOD!” she yelled as she squirted him. “There we go!” she announced happily.
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Love, Joan
