Let's Go To Rehab!

Let's Go To Rehab! by Curly and Lari

Lari watched her little sister Curly doodle stars all over their French project. She shook her head sadly.
“Man, you have a problem,” Lari commented.
“True,” Curly agreed.
“Let’s go to rehab!”
“Okay!”

A week later…

“Hi, I’m Curly,” Curly said to the other people in obsession rehab.
“Hi, Curly!” they all greeted her.
“And it has been two hours since my last- oh, whoops, make that two seconds,” Curly explained as she doodled stars.
“Hi, I’m Lari,” Lari introduced herself.
“Hi, Lari!” everyone said in unison.
“And it’s been half an hour, wait, make that a few seconds, since my last obsessed thought,” she went on.
“Hello, I’m Edward,” Edward Cullen said.
“Hi, Edward!”
“And it’s been two days since I last saw Dr. Phil.”
“DON’T LET THEM CONTROL YOUR THOUGHTS!” Curly yelled.
“I WON’T, THEY CAN’T READ MINDS!” Lari shouted back. Then she glanced over at Edward. “Except him.”
“Just THINK LIES!” Curly ordered Lari. “Geez.”
“What if I slip up? The average human has about sixty…THOUSAND thoughts…PER DAY!” Lari voiced her thoughts.
“Then he won’t know which one to believe,” Curly told her.
Lari got an idea, and decided to act upon it.
Edward Cullen, this is your conscience speaking. Do not read Lari’s mind, she thought.
“Why not?” Edward said aloud, breaking the awkward silence.
Because she’s thinking bad thoughts about Jasper Hale, Lari thought.
“Okay then!” he agreed, then tuned right into Lari’s thoughts.
Lari shook her head, then began thinking about doing bad things with Jasper. Edward tuned her out.

Later, at the Cullen’s…

“So, how was rehab?” Jasper asked Edward.
“Terrible, this girl kept thinking…” Edward began.
“About what?” Jasper inquired suspiciously.
“You.” There was an awkward pause, then, “It kinda turned me on,” Edward admitted.
“Yeah, I could tell. Now I’M turned on by it! Geez, why can’t you people control your freaking emotions? I DON’T LIKE FEELING ATTRACTED TO MYSELF!” Jasper roared.
“It happens to me all the time,” Edward shrugged.
“That’s because you’re the star!”
“Star?!” Curly showed up.
“Not THAT star, stupid human. Wait- human blood?”
Lari entered at this and sprayed Jasper in the face with her squirt bottle. “Bad Jasper!”
“What the hell?” Jasper asked.
“IT’S THAT GIRL!” Edward screamed. “DON’T FEEL HER EMOTIONS!”
“Why not?” Jasper asked. “Aw crap, I’M ATTRACTED TO MYSELF AGAIN!”
This was when Alice Cullen decided to appear. “Hey, what’s- Oh. My. God. NOT YOU!” she noticed Lari.
“DIE, BITCH!” the human screamed as she tackled the vampire.
“Soooo, Jasper, what’s up?” Curly tried ignoring this new development.
“Wha- AH! NOT AGAIN! Why is there so much Jasper love?” Jasper flipped.
“I LOVE YOU, JAZZ!” Lari hugged him happily.
“For my sake, please don’t be attracted to me,” he begged Lari and Curly.
“But we love you and think you’re hot!” the two sisters chorused.
“Would you rather feel attracted to Carlisle?” Lari asked him.
“Yeah, or Emmett? Let’s feel attracted to Emmett!” Curly added.
“WAIT, EVIL SCHEME! Let’s feel attracted to ourselves!” Lari suggested.
“Yeah!” agreed Curly.
“EDWARD! HELP!” poor Jasper yelled.
“BUT I LOVE YOU!” Edward screamed, totally immersed in Lari and Curly’s thoughts. “GODDAMN I HATE FANGIRLS!” he realized his mistake.
This statement made Lari and Curly sob.
“Oh God, now I’m sad!” Jasper sobbed as well.
“NO!” Lari cried. “Don’t be sad, Jazz! Hey Mr Grumpy Gills, you know what you gotta do when life gets you down? Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming! What do we do? We swim, swim, swim!”
“Uh-oh,” Alice and Jasper exchanged a meaningful glance.
“NOT THAT SONG!” Edward tackled Lari.
“AH! I’M GETTING RAPED BY EDWARD CULLEN!” Lari screamed.
Jasper and Alice pulled Edward off her before he could do any actual harm.
“Not that song,” he snarled at the shocked Lari as Alice and Jasper held him back so he couldn’t hurt her.
“Why not?” Lari asked defiantly from behind Curly.
“He hates that song,” Jasper explained.
“Like Alex!” Curly exclaimed to Lari.
“ALEX IS EDWRD CULLEN! AH!” Lari realized.
“Hmm,” Curly thought this over. “Pale, reclusive, never comes out in sunshine…Yup, he is,” she concluded.
“I dated Edward Cullen!” Lari happy danced.
“No, YOU dated Alex because Edward did not yet exist,” Curly burst Lari’s bubble.
“Damn,” Lari muttered. “It was worth a try.”
“Yes, but no cigar,” Curly doodled a star.
“You have issues,” Lari teased as she stole Curly’s doodle paper.
“Let’s go to rehab!”